My Son’s Hilarious Daily Remarks

I used to think only little children make hilarious remarks on a daily basis. But to my pleasure, it turns out that having an eight year old child is still funny!

My young son considers himself really, like REALLY, strong. So, after reading a story about the childhood of King Arthur he asked me with suspicion why I called it a fairy tale. I had to carefully answer that it was because of the witch in the story and not because of the fact that a little boy was able to fight twenty giant highway robbers and win (because that is surely possible!)

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Recently, he learned about one of the several nations in our region, the Mordovians, at school. Then, he playfully asked us a question obviously using a set phrase from his lesson: “Do you know what I’m famous for like the Mordovians are famous for their embroidered patterns? I am very strong and active!”

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Next time, he learned while doing his homework what glorifies our native city and he asked me quite disappointed: “Why does all this glorify not me?”

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Sometimes, he fantasizes about his own future children: “My son will be even more important than Lenin! And the whole country will be named after him! Or, at least, several republics in our country”.

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This summer he attended a summer camp at his school for a few weeks during the mornings. When there were only two days left, he became a bit lazy and wanted to stay home. I decided to inspire him by giving him an example of how the schoolchildren in the USSR used to spend summer holidays at camps which were situated in woods where the children spent several weeks away from home. (Actually, I wouldn’t let my child stay anywhere overnight without me, and of course he knows that) Then I asked him what would be his opinion on these forest camps. He was deep in thought for two seconds and answered: “There is a possibility of being woken up by squirrels”.

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This summer, I asked him which of his classmates he missed the most. To my great surprise, he named the guy he complained about the whole previous year. Why? “Because it’s really fun to play around with him!” Luckily, I knew that my own child gives as good as he gets when all those complaints came from him!

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— Why is your shirt a bit dirty?
He answers proudly:
— I was fighting with a girl over a bowl of soup!

Apparently, that’s a much more fun way to get lunch.

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Watching him do his homework (I don’t just watch, I also have to hurry him a bit) is also a significant event:
— Why aren’t you writing?
— Just a second, I need to scratch my little nose.

The next time, he had been sitting still for a while and answered the same question: "I’ve dropped my pencil. I am going to pick it up."

Obviously, this task has to be thoroughly planned out first.

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At the beginning of every school year, the class is photographed. The second graders look nice in their school uniforms and a bit grown up compared to their first year. I was touched by what I saw:
— Oh, you’ve all changed so much!
— Yeah, I for one got a haircut!

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Sometimes he loses his stuff at school. In his defense, this doesn't happen often. There was a parent-teacher conference at school. When I got home, I wanted to make him happy by telling him I had found his paint set. His answer was: “Any chance you also found my red pencil?”

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He obviously has a nice way of thinking concerning measurements. Once, he got home from school and asked me to give him food earlier than usual because he was hungry already. I knew they had had lunch at school not long ago, so I was surprised. He explained: “I have only eaten a tiny cutlet — it was two or three times bigger than my nose”. What a nice way to measure and what a cute way to get anything from your mom!

Actually, that day his nose was not the only thing used as a measure. He attends sambo classes and loves all kinds of heavy metal weights and the disks that you put on them which we call “blini”. So, he told me: “Mom, do you know what blini we have at the sambo classes I can lift? Five kilograms. Well, they are about the radius of your face”.

There you are! I always knew I had a round face!

(By the way, five kilos was definitely a huge underestimation. Once, he lifted an 80 kilo person he was sparring with while he was pinned down!)

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In one of his math exercises, there was a train with a yellow and a pink wagon. “Oh look, it matches the color of my pastille!” exclaimed my son happily (he had a package of strawberry and melon pastilles, so he found it nice that the train had the same colors as the pastilles).

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In our country, “Kinder Surprise” eggs are very popular. To be honest, the toys used to be much better a few decades ago. So, I still keep some of them as souvenirs. One of my favorites are crocodile-schoolchildren. I have only two and because they're school themed they “live” on my son’s school desk in his room.

Once, during my usual classes with my son, he burst out laughing and said, “Imagine how you’d teach these crocodiles! One of them is sleeping on his textbook and the other one is hiding his school diary with bad grades!” It’s nice that we don’t have such problems with our schoolboy!

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At school, his favorite activity is running through the corridors with a couple of classmates. But since the corridors are rather narrow, it’s prohibited. So when I was picking up our son, I was happy to know that there were no bad grades for his behavior that day. My child explained: “The teacher was about to punish me, but I pretended that I’d gotten hurt and started rubbing my side. She got distracted and I ran away! See, the saying is right: quick wit is more important than intelligence!”

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Children write down their homework in their school diaries and often have to abbreviate words so they can fit within the lines. As far as two-letters abbreviation for “sing” and “copy from textbook into notebook” are the same, for a couple of minutes my son was arguing with me that his Russian homework was to SING the sentences from the exercise and not to copy them! Then, he agreed that it didn’t make sense, and had to write them down.

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Usually, we go to the supermarket, but recently we visited a local market. There was a line of four women at the market stall. After several minutes of waiting while the women were still choosing the goods, my son got obviously impatient. I told him that we had to wait and couldn’t just make them go away. My son’s face lit up as soon as he suggested: “What about bugs? Well, a lot of women are afraid of bugs!” Including me! He really likes them and always enjoys the fact that his mother is scared of them.

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Once, my husband and my son were getting ready to go to our garage to change our car’s wheels, and I cheerfully asked my husband if he loved me. He answered, “Of course I do!” and I made a joke: “It’s all because of my stuffed peppers, admit it”. Our son overheard us talking. He rushed over to hug us, happily declaring: “And I, because of your Apple Charlotte!!! And, well, just for no reason, too”.

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When our son was six, I once had to reprimand him by saying: “Do you think you are the smartest?”
He answered thoughtfully, full of dignity: “Actually, all the children think so. Well, at least the ones, who think.”

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One day, my husband was tying our son’s autumn hat’s ties in the morning before school and it suddenly came to my mind / occurred to me to ask my son: “Dear, who ties your hat at school?” He answered: “Well, some teachers or sometimes the head teacher. I squat a little” — he says as he shows us how he squats down — “Like this, and look like a first-grader. ”

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Once he was doing his homework and got distracted again doing some childish stuff. “That’s not funny” — I told him. He answered me without any hesitation: “It IS for a child! It just does’t seem so to you because you are an adult.” Well, it's hard to argue here.

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